


The Banning of Cosmo

by Kelkat9



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Sexual Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:11:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelkat9/pseuds/Kelkat9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TenII and Rose are settling into Pete's World.  The Doctor is curious and decides to gleefully dive into research about sex.  He soon learns that Cosmo may not be the best resource.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Banning of Cosmo

**Author's Note:**

> Aintafraidanoghosts pointed out a certain article that um questioned Cosmo's sex advice. It was quite funny and had me crying I laughed so hard. It had to be ficced. Thanks to the girls in chat who nudged me along and this story is dedicated them! Do not eat or drink while reading article or this fic.
> 
> Link to article but be warned - it's NSFW or Kids and is hysterically funny: http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/the-best-of-ridiculous-tips-for-a-miserable-sex-life-emcosmopolitan-em-edition

 

Rose knew when she and the Doctor returned to London there would be some adjustments. He wasn't overly fond of her smaller on the inside flat so they moved to a converted warehouse with a flat on the top floor and his workshop beneath. It was on the outskirts of London in a bit of a dodgy area but they were the Doctor and Rose and made friends easily and it turned out the people who lived there were not half as bad as most people assumed. Still, the reputation of the area meant they had lots of privacy.

Rose continued working at Torchwood while the Doctor stayed at home and worked on the baby TARDIS, tinkered and acclimated to his new part human existence. Each night he would excitedly tell her about his day and his adventures although she could see that there was something missing. He missed her and she missed being with him too. After all those years apart, she didn't want to be away from him any longer than necessary and thus, Rose decided to reduce her hours and only work part time for Torchwood. This delighted the Doctor.

They were celebrating her new status over dinner one night when everything changed. One minute they were giggling over this world's version of ketchup with was purple instead of red and the next, she was on her back with a randy Time Lord snogging the breath out of her. Everything was a blur at that point as clothing was tugged and ripped off, tongues slid against each other, teeth clashed and nipped, heat flushed both of them, hands glided, cupped and grazed skin, hair was tugged and hips ground against one another as he slid deeply inside of her. They were both so caught up in each other, their skin slapping and sliding as their bodies glistened in the moonlight until each of them screamed out, they didn't think about if they were ready or if this was right. They awakened the next morning a tangle of limbs lying on the floor smiling at each other. From that point forward, sex was no longer a taboo subject. In fact, it was the Doctor's newest obsession.

Rose often found him researching human mating rituals, reading the Kama Sutra or showing up with some new kinky sex toy. It was fun and Rose wasn't complaining. That is, until the Doctor found Cosmo. That's when their sex life went a bit pear shaped. One would think a magazine would be harmless but not when there was a curious, adventurous Time Lord around.

It started with sex tips. Rose had just emerged from the shower, wrapped in nothing but a towel and found the Doctor lounging nude on their bed and smirking at her.

"Roooosse," he purred and stared pointedly at her chest. "I've been reading this humany magazine about how to please your man and I think we should try some just to, you know, check and see if it works on a Time Lord Meta Crisis."

Rose stood wrapped in her towel and stared at him. He did have on his glasses and that did sort of do things to her. She bit her lip and cursed internally when the glasses slid down his nose slightly as he pouted at her. She couldn't resist him like this. "Ya mean like an experiment? Sort of, are Time Lord bits more impressive than a human blokes bits?"

The Doctor sat up clearly offended. "We know they are!" he retorted.

Rose grinned and sashayed over to him on the bed. "So whadda ya have in mind?" she asked and sat on the bed next to him.

He practically bounced with excitement. "Welll, tip number one says to achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits." He then leaned back, grinning at her.

Rose arched a brow and looked down at said manly bits. "Mmm, that's not hard," she said and smiled brighter as she dropped her towel. "But it will be," she purred suggestively as her hand slid up his thigh.

"Oh but there's more," he growled and reached for the magazine as he lay prone on the bed. "Tip number two, hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle." His brow furrowed slightly.

Rose stared at him, her hand stilled on his thigh. "You want me to smack your dick?" she said with an arched brow.

"Welll…" he started to say opening and closing his mouth. "I mean it says it'll blow my mind with pleasure," he said a little unsure.

Rose sighed and crawled over to him and slid her hands up his thighs which already had him aroused. She leaned over and laid a gentle kiss on his abdomen, nipping him slightly eliciting a moan. She looked up at him and immediately felt aroused by the hot look he directed at her. She took him in her hands and proceeded to do as he asked. That is until he flinched and yelped as she pinched him at the base of his apparently most definitely sensitive Time Lord cock."

"Rose!" he called out in a high pitched voice as he almost jumped away from her.

"What? Your mind blown with pleasure already? I'm just gettin' started," she teased.

His hands hovered over his manly bits and he looked very not pleasured and glared at the magazine. He picked it up. "Maybe we should try something else less violent," he said. Rose sat back with her arms crossed a little amused.

"Ohhhhh this one!" he said excitedly. "Alternate between swivelling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenulum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times."

He looked at Rose who looked confused, her head tilted to one side as she stared at his now somewhat less erect bits. He looked down at himself, looked at his hand and then at Rose and squinted. "Maybe not that one either," he mumbled as he repeated the steps as if trying to envision it.

"Um Doctor, maybe something…." Rose started to say.

"Wait!" the Doctor shouted, his eyes filled with manic glee. "I know which one! Tickle my feet with your nipples!"

Rose just stared at him as he laid back on the bed and wiggled his toes."

"No?" he said. "All right, how about this one! Introduce your vibrator to your breasts! Just think of it, Rose! Ohhhhhh I can use the sonic!"

"How's resonatin' my tits a turn on?" she asked, not really buying into this suggestion.

"Think about it! Me plunging the sonic between your voluptuous breasts, the vibrations setting your nerve endings on fire and you know what it does to me to…" he paused and swallowed hard. "Use my sonic screwdriver on you in new and interesting ways. Remember a week ago when I added that setting that had you…."

"Yes," Rose answered quickly, "but that was a little lower and you know, a bit more focused on all those delicious orgasmic inducin' nerve endins you're always goin' on about."

"Oh come now Rose, don't have a hoggy, hoggy, vadge!"

Rose stared at him open mouthed. "What?" she gasped.

"Or is it V-jay jay now? You humans are always developing new slang for your reproductive bits. They get away from me sometimes?" he murmured as he contemplated it. That is until Rose smacked him.

"Owwww!" he whinged.

"Stop insultin' the species. You're part of us now too."

"Fine," he said, pouting and picked up his Cosmo.

Rose sighed. "Doctor, we don't need to…"

"I don't suppose you'd like to sponge paint me with your breasts covered in edible paint?" he asked. He looked over the magazine at her unhappy expression. "No? Well, how about we lube up then?" he asked with a sexy smirk.

Rose smiled back at him as this sounded normal She should have known better after a few long snogs, his hands gliding up and down her body and some talented tongue work, he made a hacking noise and spit into his hand several times and then held his saliva wet hand to her and instructed her to hack it up."

"Have you lost it?" Rose shouted, scooting away from him. "You are so not rubbin' your spit anywhere on me and I'm not spittin' on you either! What is that anyway? Is this some Time Lord sex thing?"

"No!" he said quickly and then looked at his hand and wiped it on the sheets much to Rose's indignation. "It's like lube! Says so right here!" he explained and tapped the page. "The viscosity of saliva makes it a great substitute for lube and it's more personal! Besides, it's not like we're not already sharing saliva every time we snog or even when you give me fellatio!"

"Not the same, Doctor and you are not spittin' on me. It's rude and well a bit icky," she said and her face crinkled up in distaste. "Maybe you better just give me that magazine." Just as she reached for it he pulled it away out of her reach.

"Glue rhinestones to your nipples!" he shouted out.

Rose rolled her eyes.

"Please," he asked and once again laid on the pouty lips and puppy dog eyes. Rose sighed and agreed but only if he gave her the magazine. A deal was struck and he pulled out

Body glue and a tin of rhinestones.

Rose laid back on the bed and giggled as he began meticulously gluing rhinestones around each of her nipples. As he placed each one, he would lean down and blow to dry the glue. Eventually, Rose realized how erotic this was as she watched his long clever fingers glue each sparkly bit down and licked her lips as his cool breath buffeted her skin. She began to shift as heat pooled low in her and she ran her foot up and down the outside of his thigh as he leaned over her. When he was done, he tossed the tin and glue aside and gazed down at his work.

"Beautiful," he breathed as she shifted and her breasts sparkled up at him.

"Doctor," she groaned.

That was all it took and soon he was poised over her and leaned down for a luxurious and thorough snog. All playfulness was gone and Rose wrapped her arms around him, tangling her fingers in his hair. He shifted on top her as she wrapped her legs around him. As he leaned further on her and laid kisses across her jaw line and began nipping and sucking the hollow in her neck she arched up and moaned. Suddenly he winced.

Rose stopped the nibbling of his ear she had been enjoying and laid back and looked up at him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said quickly and his hand reached and cupped her breast, his fingers teasing her nipples and running over the rhinestones. "Just forgot about these little lovelies," he said, indicating the rhinestones. "Now where were we?" he growled and leaned back down to nibble his way down her neck and down to lave her breasts until he paused. He sat up and pulled a rhinestone off his tongue and wrinkled his nose as he stuck his tongue out pulling a sheet up to clean glue residue off.

"Doctor?" Rose asked.

"It's nothing. Just, next time, I'm tasting the glue first. You'd think they'd make it more palatable," He said, sniffing.

Rose giggled and rolled him over. "I think it'd be better this way, yeah?"

He waggled his eyebrows at her in response.

Just as Rose slid him inside of her, moaning as she rocked into him, she noticed a burning sensation that was growing unpleasant. She stopped dead still and winced.

"Rose, don't stop," the Doctor moaned.

"Somethins wrong," she said.

"Just keep moving and everything will be brilliant," he said, a little breathless and slid his hands up from her hips to fondle her breasts and she yelped.

The Doctor's formerly half closed eyes shot open and he looked up to see Rose's formerly sparkly voluptuous breasts were now swollen and red. Rose had tears coursing down her face and was climbing off of him. She sprinted into the loo. The Doctor, lay on the bed breathing deeply trying to get some control so he could run after her. After a few minutes of thinking of things most definitely not Rose, he followed to find her staring at her red and swollen nipples with a damp flannel in her hand.

"Rose, don't!" he shouted as she was about to dab the flannel to her breast. "You're having an allergic reaction and your nipples might…"

Rose turned to him. "What!" she demanded, in pain and not in a mood to put up with his doctory babble.

"Uh explode?" he said quietly.

The flannel dropped to the floor with a wet plot. "What do you mean explode?" she cried out.

"Now, don't worry. I'll take care of this. You're just allergic to the glue and well the skin around you nipples is a bit thin and more sensitive is all. I'll take care of it!" he promised and then proceeded to envelop one of said swollen nipples in his month.

Rose smacked him on the head. "I'm not in the bloody mood and especially not if my nipples are about to blow up!" she said tightly, more tears pooling in her eyes.

He released her and pulled a rhinestone out of his mouth. "Oi! That was not foreplay! That was first aid!"

She glared at him and her eyes squinted in a way remarkably similar to her mother.

He swallowed hard and felt any remaining bits of arousal flee. "It's my saliva," he almost whinged. "It's sort of an analgesic with some antihistamine properties."

Rose rolled her eyes and looked down. "Yeah, well it's not workin," she said miserable.

The Doctor scratched his head. "Maybe the meta crisis…."

Rose looked up at him. "We're goin' to A&E."

"What? No, no, no!" he said frantically. "If we do that we'll have to explain.."

"That my nutter boyfriend glued rhinestones on my tits!" Rose finished in a high pitched tearful voice.

The Doctor winced. "Jackie'll find out then…wellllll, it would be bad. Very very bad," he said and looked off to the side as if imagining how bad. He looked back at her miserable face. "The sonic!" he shouted. "Don't move!"

"Where the bloody 'ell would I go with sparkly exploding nipples!" Rose shouted and then started crying.

Her tears spurred him on and faster than he thought possible, found his sonic, programmed it and reappeared aiming it at one of her breasts. Rose took a step back. "So help me, if you explode my nipple or turn my tit blue or something, I'm gonna kill ya."

He looked at her hurt. "Rose, I would never! Although there's nothing wrong with blue," he teased and waggled his eyebrows. When he saw her unhappy expression, he gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "It'll be all right. Trust me, please," he said softly.

She nodded and he began sonicing. Her breast didn't turn blue or explode. Slowly the rhinestones plinked to the floor and glue began flaking off. He then drew her a bath filled with soothing bath oils. No more sexy times were had that night but the cuddling was prodigious. The next morning Rose burned all the Cosmos in the flat and forever banned them from their home.

* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  



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